I am going to piss you off. I rephrase my first sentence. I am going to piss off most of you because some of you already know the truth and accept it wholeheartedly.

DELHI IS A CITY OF BHENCHODS

I don’t think I need to make any of you understand the meaning of the word bhenchod. All of you know it, hear it, say it and think it. You call your friends bhenchod, your professor bhenchod, your bosses bhenchod, your wives, husbands, staff, drivers. For you, at one time or the other, all are bhenchods. So are you for the people who know you.

Delhi is a city of bhenchods because people treat you as a prince one day and as a beggar the second day. As long as you show these bhenchods that you are worth something, that you have something that can benefit them, all these bhenchods will call you their “bhai”. The moment these bhenchods realize that there is nothing you can do for them and you are nothing more than a burden on them, they will label you as a bhenchod. For dilliwalas, everything and everyone is a bhenchod. There are bhenchods in metros & buses who have to, religiously have to, look at your phone while you are texting, gaming, shuffling music or surfing the web. These bhenchods have to stare at your phone no matter what happens.

Then there are bhenchods who fight with people on a matter of five rupees. A highway taxi owner charges his customer a five extra bucks because he, the passenger, didn’t have change but he, the driver, had it and still didn’t give change to his passenger because according to this bhenchod driver, it is the responsibility of the passenger to keep exact change.

Then there are bhenchods who make fun of their bosses even when they are working in the company for over a decade. A stock manager in a food stuff godown mimics his boss all day long as if he has the license to joke about the person who has provided him a job which takes care of his family, the schooling of his kids and his weekly quota of liquor. This bhenchod stands head down in front of his boss and as soon as his boss turns his back towards him, he shows him a slap and silently utters the word bhenchod.

A six months pregnant girl plays farmville all day in office, makes mistakes in all the paperwork she does, falls asleep on her workstation, bitches about her mother-in-law with her colleagues, makes wrong cheques and shouts at her boss. The boss ignores everything and pays her salary in full every month. Even then, when she has to handle work pressure one day in a week, she curses the job, the boss and all the staff who can’t even take care of one job and let her rest because she is pregnant. Can I use the term bhenchod for a girl? Hell YES!

Money. The only reason for people turning into bhenchods. It’s not a declaration. It is an observation, an experience. Let me tell you why I would call a bhenchod a bhenchod from now on. Pay attention. I am requesting you to pay attention because people don’t care when they are offended. They just utter bhenchod and get on with their lives. If you have read this article till this point, read it till the end and know how people suddenly become bhenchods.

Last week I was forced to open a new bank account by the staff of the bank my boss has a corporate account with. They are nice people, very helpful. They took my signatures in the required boxes, took my verification documents, informed me that it will take 10 days for my ATM card to be processed and despatched, 6 days to activate my internet banking facility and 2 days to open the account. The next day, I got my salary cheque and after much consideration, I deposited the salary cheque in the new bank account. The account was credited instantly. No need to wait for 2 days to get the funds cleared, as was the process with my old account.

I was on a business trip for 3 days. I spent most of the cash I had until Saturday, survived the Sunday somehow with the little cash of Rs. 250 that was left in the old account. Today, on Monday, I had planned to go to the bank and withdraw some cash, and also claim the reimbursement of the money I had spent on company’s behalf for 3 days last week.

The effect of being on a business trip showed in terms of excessive pending paperwork at office. I reached office and got busy in work. On top of that, a staff member declared leave. Time begins to move faster once you are busy. Before I could take a lunch break, it was 3:15. I skipped lunch and ran to the bank to withdraw some cash. Cash is the king, we are all its slaves.

As you can guess, I was late. There was balance in the account and all I could do was to look helpless after looking at the “closed” sign on the cash counter. I walked to the ATM just outside the bank and checked balance in my other bank account. It was Rs. 176/- Guess what word did I utter at that moment? Bhenchod.

Anyway, I came back to the office and ate whatever I could eat, thinking about the next meal. My wallet had a five rupee note in it. There were 176 rupees in the old bank account and no ATM card or cheque book of the new account. I thought I will borrow some money from my colleague, but as clock struck five, he left the office without informing anyone. Guess what word did I utter? Bhenchod.

I left office at 7 and walked to the laundry to collect my washed and ironed clothes. This bhenchod is the regular laundry guy I have been giving my clothes to over the last six months. I simply told him that due to strange coincidences, I don’t have any cash right now and that I will pay him his dues tomorrow morning. He refused to give me my clothes. Guess what word did I utter? Bhenchod.

I reached my room a few minutes later and started thinking about dinner. “Eat to live” takes a backseat when you don’t have money to eat. Without money everyone just “lives to eat”. I have been visiting the same restaurant for dinner from three months. The waitors have become good friends of mine, or so I thought. Confidently, I walked into the restaurant and took a seat. Keeping in mind the strange events of today, I decided to let the waitors know about my condition. I called the one who was most friendly with me and told him I had no cash today and that I would pay tomorrow for today’s food. His expressions changed. He went to his manager and came back few moments later to tell me that it is not acceptable. Guess what word did I utter? Bhenchod.

As I’m writing the last paragraph of this article about so many bhenchods I’ve come across in a single day, I want you to realize that if you think people who laugh with you will help you in your needy time, you are wrong. This city of bhenchods is emotionless, heartless and careless. Girls are molested in public here and no bhenchod cares. Horns are honked uselessly and no bhenchod cares. There is shit stinking garbage lying below every street light and no bhenchod cares. There are cars parked in no parking zone and no bhenchod cares. There are rich bhenchods drinking & driving and making fun of the law shamelessly. There are poor bhenchods who don’t even know there is a law against public smoking. There are bhenchods in khaki uniform who keep an eye on everyone coming out of a liquor shop hoping that atleast one bhenchod will open his beer bottle in public and they will get a chance to get their own quota of free liquor or atleast enough cash to buy a bottle for themselves. This city is full of selfish bhenchods and the irony is that all these bhenchods are contagious. I am scared to be a bhenchod, very scared.